I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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