i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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