seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
