We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
