I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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