Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just googled if crying burns calories
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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