yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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