glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
