I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
