Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
