1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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