whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
