I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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