You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
