The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
