using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
