I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
