he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
These tits shall not be calmed
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
