Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
