Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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