I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
