and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
