I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
false alarm, still single
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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