My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
