I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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