It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
