Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
