It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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