I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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