You're my little dorito
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
