I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
