I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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