last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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