So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
