I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
