Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
