i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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