I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
