found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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