dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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