it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
