I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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