Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
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She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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