That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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