if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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