Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
