remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
