Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
