girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
