you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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