She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
