Four minutes until I can fart!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have already put on my inside pants.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
