I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
