just tell him i said nine months
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
are you so shy because you have an std?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
