its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Someone came in the potted fern
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone signed my nipple.
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