yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
