I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
