I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
